Since Friday, my body has been horrible. Friday had a tension headache all day. Saturday had the throat hurting like mad. Of course, my knees and rest of the body were jacked as well. Mentally, I was pooped. At that point, I ask myself the question: Am I simply being cursed or did I exert myself too much again?

The prior weekend, I finished three books. I kind of felt good about accomplishing goals and getting the foundations for my UCLA Extension classes done. At the same time, I realized that they were thin books. For the sales class, I have to read at least one more book for the midterm. We have to write a review on a sales book. For the business communications class, I am basically done. However, if I want to reach my goal of having many fewer grammar mistakes, I need to read another grammar book. Both of those books are seriously sized books. So, I feel daunted.

It does not help that reading the grammar book had an odd effect on me. Page by page, I learned interesting tidbits. However, when I look at my writing now, I can see the elements of a sentence. When I read other people’s writing, I start to see their grammar mistakes. It is almost like a veil has been lifted. I notice now that my English is almost stilted, because the grammar is more complete and the sentence fully formed. I looked at an online chat between a former colleague and me. It was bizarre. She would write ‘snow…rocks…must do again.’ I reply with ‘yes, the snow was wonderful. I am up for doing it again.’

By the same token, the book for the sales class read boring. I even disagreed with a lot. However the days after, I reflected on the encounters with sales people in my life. They were horrible both in how I felt about them and how they measured up to the book’s yard stick. At the same time, I noticed great sales behavior in indirect sales people, like a cashier or customer service person. Even, they don’t sell on a provision like a used car sales men, a cashier can increase the sales on the super market. For example, many cashiers ask, if the customer found everything that they were looking for. When someone actually goes out to get me something, I feel special. However, one time a cashier replied to my failed quest for ‘Weisswurst’ by telling me that I should have asked someone. The sarcasm of her message eloped the cashier, because she cared so little.

Actually, the whole idea that a sales person should start by asking questions to find out the prospects wants rather than pitching gave me to think. Also, the book claimed that sales people often get the order of things wrong. First, they have to sell themselves. Then, they have to sell the company. Finally, they have to sell the product. If a sales person starts with the product first, it goes against the natural inclination of the prospect.

That gave me to think. In so many meeting rooms, I was frustrated and dismayed that people would not even consider my superior ideas. Someone else with more flair and conviction won against my hard facts. They did not even give me the time to build the case. Now, I think that the other guy simply had sold himself before the meeting already. I lived by the concept that people did not have to like me or believe me. My ideas would sell themselves on their own strength. So, if I want to sell my ideas in a business setting, I have to sell myself first. I guess, that means building relationships. In the classic sales theory of that book and teacher, sales people sell themselves by listening well and really getting the problems of the prospect. Maybe, I would have needed to go to the exec offices and had a little chat asking to understand their world. Based with the credibility from those conversations, I would have won in the meeting rooms.

That brings me to another thing. At the beginning of my technical career, I found myself in the same boat with many technical people. We were exasperated and upset that smooth talking co-workers would win over us with the better technical solutions. Taking math and physics classes, I was trained to think that the right answer matters and anything else little. In the business world, I learned that a guy could win out against me claiming that 1+1=3. It was obviously wrong to me and other smart technical people. Yet, management did not realize that it was wrong and the smooth talking guy one. Well over the years, I learned to improve my language skills. I even realize now, how annoying technical people can be, if they can’t express themselves well.

Still there was another exasperating issue. How did people become managers without skills despite the disapproval of most co-workers? Well, with the sales information that I am getting, sales is not about arm twisting. I had always looked for the arm twisting way to get a management position: Phrase things in a certain way, score something really well etc. My new suspicion like sales is that you make the best sales call you have and ask for it. Supposedly a common mistake of sales people is to NOT ask for the sale. And, sales are not made by manipulation, instead by talking to enough people. So, I should have first sold myself to a boss by making friends. Then, asked for a promotion. If I got lucky, I’d get lucky. If I would not get lucky, I could move to the next company. Like a sales person, after a few asks, someone will say yes. Or, I could have asked the same boss again a month later. It is like a huge light bulb that went off in my head. Life is about asking a lot, a ton, a gazillion. Girls, friends, positions, sales – ask about anything that you want often and frequently. I always went the other way. The reason that I started paying for professional hair cuts was to get girls. I started going to the gym to get girls. Somewhere both things are good for me in general and will somehow increase my chances. However, to get laid means to ask for it liberally.

In short, it is not simply a book. It is a call for me to live my life in a new way.

The two classes were also a big strain on me. The whole day before class, I could do nothing but maintain myself with food and try to keep my calm. Rationally, there is no point in wasting a whole day getting ready for class by relaxing. Practically speaking, those classes had me jumpy and freaked. I am terribly afraid of not being social enough and making friends. I am terribly afraid that the classes will be too easy and I won’t get assume new skills. I am terribly afraid that the classes will be too hard and I will fail. I am anxious to participate in class with saying things, because I know that it goes against my grain.

Ugh, I don’t even want to write about those classes. It is too hard to even contemplate and remember.

Thursday was a really hard day for me. I went to the gym to get a workout. In a way, the exercise made me feel better. At the same time, it kicked the depression beneath the surface wide open. I got my first rejection for publishing my porn stories on an erotica web site. Not that I am a great writer, yet they accepted all the stories in the past and a lot of stuff up there sucks. So, I was disappointed. I am slowly working up my courage to adjust it a little bit and re-submit it.

I got my first homework in the business writing class back. Fuck, did it piss me off. On one hand, there was something really positive. Usually everything that I write comes back in a sea of red with language mistakes. This one had only three mistakes. I even don’t like one of her corrections, because I think that my version was not wrong. It was simply stylistic differently. I put a period, where she wanted a semi-colon. Sure, one could connect the two sentences closer with a semi-colon. However, I liked the clarity of not using such wishy-washy punctuation like a semi-colon in that instance.

I got pissed that she wanted me to follow her T3 scheme: 1) Tell them what you are going to tell them; 2) Tell them; 3) Tell them what you told them. I mean, it makes sense for a text that makes a point. However, based on the title, it was clear that the text was a profile. So, saying ‘this is a profile,’ is wasting space on the page. In the end, there is no point. There is nothing to summarize. So, fuck you T3. At the end of class, the teacher said that the profile text was short, yet she wanted us to get used to her structure. Fuck, dogmatic structures! Use, whatever structure is appropriate for the purpose and text. I hate doing things simply to follow some formality.

Oh, another sucker punch was that I got a B+. On one hand, a language dilettante like me should be glad. I struggled in high school with English. People often correct my English. However, past UCLA courses ingrained that the UCLA Extension hands out A grades for everyone. People could skip classes, not do homework and still get an A. The rational seems to be that a lot of employers pay for the classes and want good grades to reimburse their employees. So, to keep employees signing up, they made it easy to get reimbursed. However, I guess, because a lot of the courses are now transferable to other colleges, they start taking things seriously. It kind of makes sense that grades are serious. At the same time, it is hard to give up entitlement.

Oh, and the business communications teacher, I don’t like her. Her writing sucks. It has no humor in it. It is plain and boring. It does not even have the sparkly clarity of good business writers. She is a stickler. I said something critical in class. I disagreed with one of her solutions for a class exercise. She agreed that my version was another solution. Yet, the stark experience was her stepping closer, being in her personal space, I felt a shaking and vibration. It was startling. Was she so scared about her job? Was she so old that teaching terrified her? At the end of class, she said that next week there would be no class. She would have to fly to the other coast for a funeral of her mother in law. Perhaps, that was the explanation of her behavior. She was personally struggling with a close death. I felt cold, when another student at the end of class expressed her condolences. My thoughts were: “Right on. Let’s get the relative buried, so that she can get her head back in the game teaching.”

Actually, at the end of class, I had a little question for the teacher. Why do most people recommend shorter sentences, when the NY Times has sentences that often span the entire paragraph? The teacher said that the NY Times were high brow. For business writing, one should write like the USA Today. I hated that answer. I hate the USA Today. I hate LA Times for that matter as well. Not only are the sentences in both publications horribly boring. Their articles also lack content, depth, and multiple view points. I love the sentences in the NY Times. Sometimes, I wish that there were another paper that has a higher quality and standard than the NY Times. The teacher proposed that the NY Times were for entertainment. Honestly, I only like business writing, because it allows me expression. It is not simply fantasy that goes nowhere. There is purpose behind it, yet a lot of room to have fun and creative. And, the purpose makes it meaningful.

So, I have the feeling that the teacher will try to make us write in the style of government forms. I want to learn business writing that feels like a memo from a prestigious law firm or a smart marketing brochure of a hip high tech company.

Oh, and I had two lunch dates and a pool date with acquaintances. I was of course very anxious about those as well!