I wrote my dad an epic e-mail of 11 pages this week. He had offered me a monthly payment to help him with his business. Yet, like with his other business partners, he did not set clear or any expectations for it. I know all money comes with strings attached. I want to know up front what I am indebting myself for. Plus, we failed to work together. Don’t pay me money. Let’s resolve the differences. And, finally, I suspected that the whole thing will shift the dynamics between us. He tries to sell me his weak business expertise and fails. So, now by ‘buying’ me, I have to listen to him. No, no!

Though, I felt that he did show that he cared by actually offering money. I think that he did not do it later and carefully considered it. So, I felt obligated for a good relationship to explain my reasons instead of tersely rejecting him. He never asked me why not or what would be needed to accept. Before I started, I realized that writing a dump of thoughts would have little chance of success. After all, he would not take my input on the phone. He would not even give me the space to talk before he’d cut me off. And, he’d always reject my points outright instead of rejecting them based on merits or after consideration.

That is the reason why I waited for days. One morning, I woke up before sunrise. I realized that it was bugging me. I realized that I had no better idea on communicating with my dad. I figured that it would be a try. A poor try is better than none. Sometimes a bad shot gives you an idea for a good shot.

Today, he called me. I fretted a major explosion. I did friendly small talk. He said that he was very angry, when he read the e-mail for the first time. Apparently, he calmed down on the second time. My ears perked up at the word ‘angry.’ First, it terrifies me to have done something wrong to get someone angry. Second, that was a rare time that my dad admitted to an emotion. My dad does not call ‘I am so excited’ or ‘Today, I am sad.’ Angry is a negative emotion, but hey!

His first point was that everyone is entitled to their own opinion. That’s the essence of what I agree with. He more phrased it in a way to denounce my position. Though, hey, people defend their positions.

He quickly moved on to a topic that he repeated about three times verbatim. He said that my entire problems were because I am too self-centered. I would always only think about myself. And, that’s why I would end up in a deep hole. Further, I wore like the apostle Thomas in the bible, who did not believe Jesus that he could walk on water and thus sank.

The first thing that is surprising is that he picked a section at the end of the e-mail. In that section, I tried to be reconciliatory by pointing out that I also struggle myself sometimes. I had not said that I get depressed. And, the bulk of the e-mail was about business.

So, I told myself, when people call you self-centered, they usually are very clumsily trying to say that they were ignored at a time that they wanted more consideration. So, I asked him about that. He sounded dumbfounded and denied that he wanted more attention or consideration.

My dad was ranting about some kind of hole that I get myself into, when I was twenty as well. Back then, I thought that he were older and wiser. Thus, he may actually know something. Yet, I could never really make sense out of what it meant or what one should do about it. Someone ranting about a hole without explaining the metaphor is rather cryptic.

We were having a monolog. So, I relaxed on the couch and asked myself, what does this tell me about my dad? If he deals with himself by ignoring himself, that is rather interesting. So, if he gets sad and then ‘cures’ himself by shutting any thoughts about himself out, what does that mean? I guess being action oriented can be a good thing. I guess, sometimes we have to stop ruminating and start doing. However, if someone does that all the time, there is a lack of knowing oneself. And, you can’t know other people, if you don’t know yourself.

It is consistent with other comments of my dad. When I asked him at another time about his feelings and thoughts, he called them unimportant nonsense. It is also consistent with a theory from my therapist. My therapist proposed, because he grew up in a household with many kids, a father gone for weeks due to the job, and a mother busy with the house hold, he never got attention. So, that is how he is treating himself and other people.

I had mentioned to my dad that a girl had stood me up at a Salsa class as an example for an unpleasant experience with another person. I had not said that it got me into depression. Yet, that was how my dad treated that statement. My dad kept repeating over and over that I looked too much at myself for having an emotional reaction to being stood up. I asked him an imaginary counter situation. What if one of his friends would get up at the beginning of a movie and leave without saying anything? Of course, he would not have to get worked up over it, yet he would probably feel a bit strange, wouldn’t he? My dad did not enter the thought example. He replied by saying that his friend would never do that. And, if his friend would do it, he would know him better to know that something really bad had happened. That totally ignored my point that some situations make us feel strange by saying that he has the best friends in the world.

It is very hard having a connection with him. We don’t have a two way communication. He does respond to what I say by saying something back. He does not respond to the content. He has a belief that getting in touch with his thoughts and feelings is bad. That is a big block, because he does not get in touch with anybody else’s thoughts and feelings either.

Oh, and one thing that drives me batty: When he or anyone says that whatever I say is completely invalid, because they are older than me. If you are so wise to have evolved decades past my current knowledge, could you, your highness, be so kind and share the information that got you to realize higher knowledge? The fucking thing is that those people pulling the age card are unable to point out the reason or information that got them to move on. Plus, where does the conversation go? How can I respond to that comment? I understand. I will talk with you again in twenty years. I will be silent for the next twenty years, because I am unworthy and all my ideas are nonsense.

The saddest part about the whole story is that parents die twice. There is the actual death. Preceding it, there is a point, where one can no longer relate to them. My step grand mother, everyone treats her like this awful lonely woman that requires whisky to tolerate her visits. My grand mother is this woman who only complains. My grand father is only angry. My mother does not know what to talk about with her grand mother. When we are kids, we look up to our parents, because they know stuff and can handle the world. A lot of old parents are mentally not that fit anymore. They live in a world that exists no longer. I always find that so sad. It is like the person is lost before they are really dad. Actually, I find it a huge drag to have old people that the kids still have to deal with yet can no longer relate to.

My dad’s wife’s mother has no more friends. She can do nothing. She is a pain in dealing with the world. Even back then, when I lived in Israel, you could not really talk much with her. It really sucks having to care for someone like that. It is like a shackle on the food. It robs many valuable hours for some humanitarian purpose and family obligation. I am probably way cold, yet it sucks.

The other side sucks even more. I am terrified about the idea of never having children, simply being this old guy with whom the whole family branch dies, being alone, being grump and unreasonable.